Don't EVER shave your ass hair!
Leer verder....I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of shit were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place. Eventually I would have to do one of two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its ‘Can't-Be-Flushed’ threshold.
10-12 8-bit hack training
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
Brilliant. Had tears in my eyes from laughter and I’m gonna read it the second time when I’m at home after having a dinner of sprouts and ice-cream!
thx for sharing, not gonna try it myself
Get Sudo Cream (local store) or Lidocaine cream against hemorrhoids from the doc.
[Reactie gewijzigd op donderdag 10 januari 2013 16:43]
Some people just have too much time on their hands
I could see this being a great part in a comedy show not for all ages though
[Reactie gewijzigd op donderdag 10 januari 2013 16:55]
Dus iets wat wij mannen nooit moeten doen xd
Mee-eens maar dan nog blijft het een goed stukjesypie schreef op donderdag 10 januari 2013 @ 19:41:
Jammer dat het kut en pasta is. Wanneer je iets "citeert" moet je niet het hele stuk knippen en plakken en vervolgens ook nog eens naar je bron linken. Link dan meteen naar je bron en zet er een kleine inleiding bij op je blog.
Maar ik vraag me dan wel af hoe vrouwen er mee kunnen leven...?
Kanniet/magniet inde Tweaker HuisKamer ...
[Reactie gewijzigd op dinsdag 15 januari 2013 21:09]
Superuser Do Fix!
Bij mij was het zweet/poepmeuk gehalte niet zo extreem, maar verdomme ... die stoppeltjes ... Tot bloedend aarschvleesch aan toe ...
Eens, maar nooit ... NOOIT meer
Vraag me wel af hoe vrouwen hier dan mee omgaan. Voor zo ver ik weet hebben die geen/nauwelijks haar daar, maar heb nog nooit een dame betrapt op vieze poepgeur zoals in het verhaal staat .